We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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