Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
