I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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