I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
