There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
third nipple confirmed
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
