why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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