I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
