God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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