I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
