do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
