Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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