**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
