i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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