if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
