Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
