Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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