He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
