i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
