i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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