I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
