Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize