he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize