oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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