Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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