Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize