Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
