Me. At least after what I've been through.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
