broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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