i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i came on her dog
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
