We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
