i just sent this text using only my big toe
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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