Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
