i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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