ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
