Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
where am i from again
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
