My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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