I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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