Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize