seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
