and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize