You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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