If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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