someone threw a dead crab at me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
