4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
