she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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