he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize