i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
