Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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