John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
