i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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