They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
