Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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