oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
