Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My sheets look like a crime scene.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Green mimosas i think yes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
