Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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