when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Randomize
