i barfeds in our rink
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
