You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
