I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He has the fingertips of a God
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
