Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
