so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
