wakey wakey hands off snakey
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
