there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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